So alcoholism as everyone knows is a growing problem with this generations youth, i can 'blah-blah' all day about health risks, my concerns, all that crap, but if your reading this then you probably have some idea what I'm talking about. So, lets skip to the fun part.
The journey or what I'm looking to achieve. I simply want to get to a point where I can be happy with myself, either with or without booze. That's not a bad goal if you think about it. I just want to be happy with my substance abuse. I clearly have issues.
The Confession : I am a Alcoholic. The first step? Is it really admitting you have a problem? I think the logic here is flawed. Admitting it hasn't really gotten me anywhere so far. But I'm gonna play by the rules so there is that one.
The Story or my version of how I got here, quite literally sometimes, I have in fact wondered after a good (or is it bad) drinking binge "How in the hell did I get here?". Yes, tho a part of my back story just so you can gain a understanding about my particular role in said substance abuse. If you don't want to hear it or don't care... GET OFF MY BLOG! My name is Natalia, I've been drinking since before I can remember and I have a drinking problem/addiction... (lol)
It started before I was even born. I was born into a family of drunks just like everyone else on the island of Newfoundland. Pretty sure I didn't get a choice I was bound to drink, living with and around these people, whom I love dearly and don't judge. :)
My first beer.. I was maybe 6 or 7. That sound's bad but I was a nineties child and parents were wild back then. My mother is great tho. She is the best despite all the crappy parenting decisions I blame none of this on her.
Going back before the first beer I sometimes like to blame my teenage drinking on post trauma from when my moms boyfriend use to knock us around. So, we have that, I just wanted to throw that out there. Another thing is my 'dad', who is actually not my biological father hes actually just my moms best friend, a alcoholic who use to sleep on our couch, I don't actually know my biological father. I know what your thinking, boo-hoo another chick with daddy issues, get in fricking line. NO shut up, no issues here. I love my dad. He's my inspiration, WHY? because after plenty of years of drinking he successfully kicked all of his bad habits, quit the booze, turned to god, and now has an amazing career, company, and a big, healthy, growing family!
A little farther ahead, I lived in this small town my whole life, growing up around here was soooo BORING, me and my friend Kim were maybe 10, and I have the notes and diary to prove this, I shit you not, we would save up money all week so we could buy a half box of beer on Friday. We'd drink two each and get so hammered.
I could go on and on about a shitty teenage life and bad choices and how sad and morbid my life was but I don't feel like telling it as I'm sure many don't want to hear it. Everyone reading this is like 'would you hurry the hell up and just get to the point!' I promise you I'm getting there, just hold on by' (lol) Moving on!
In the here and now, I pretty much go out every weekend and get drunk on Friday and Saturday sometimes I also drink on Thursday and Sunday.
I feel like I can't go without the beer. I only see my friends when I'm out and about drinking with them that's pretty much all anyone does. Every social event is just another reason to booze it up, the mere thought of not drinking at a social outing, to people around here, is unbelievable, they'll say I'm pregnant, acting childish, or that I'm no longer fun to be around. I hate the nay sayers and the no friends when I'm not drinking, that's a big reason I drink constantly. Now, correct me if I'm wrong but that's just how I feel.
The How/What as in how this blog will work and what I'm going to do. So, the main idea is to give weekly updates on how my recovery is going, I guess a progression chart of sorts in blog form, if there is progression that is. It will be the good, bad and ugly. I want to post about my hangovers, how much I drank, stupid crap I done or said and most importantly why I want to recover. I am, despite what many think, taking this serious. I want to be better. A better alcoholic or even a better person. I believe there can be moderation in my drinking habits, I think I can drink a beer now and then and not fall off the bandwagon. I just want this to work. Here's to drinking in moderation. At the end of this Journey I want to come back to this and realize how right I was not how wrong. I guess we shall find out, which brings us to the next order of business....
The Pledge I pledge that by the end of this year I will be a better person. I don't want to commit to stopping drinking completely, just in healthy moderation. I pledge to be faithful to my blog, posting once a week. I pledge to put myself and my family before the booze and friends.
I can do this!
Week 1: This weekend I didn't have a beer on Thursday like I usually do, my man did however drink a beer. Which I should have mentioned earlier he is a big beer drinker. We like to enjoy a beer with our show on Thursday nights. Like any bad habit, this is part of my weekly routine. I did however drink Friday night, It's amazing how right now in my hungover state on Sunday that I can't actually remember what I did on Friday. After what seems like forever thinking, I did drink a lot on Friday it was a friends 50th birthday/supper I played poker pool with a bunch of men (and my man) suffice it to say I like to give them a run for their money when it comes to drinking around them. I get this sense of pride if I can out drink people. A therapist would have a field day with me. On Saturday i went on a skidoo run, I took one palm bay in my pocket, I said I wouldn't drink that day except for the palm bay and I said I wouldn't end up at the bar. I did both. I found it hard to be at all those cabins with all those people drinking around me. I had several beer then ended up at a local bar drinking alone for a bit, then I went home, planning to stay in, until my friend invited me down, we drank a full bottle of champagne, played Yahtzee, and I don't remember going home. I do however remember cooking KD and onion rings when I got here. I feel like shit today. Typical hangover, headache, mouth tastes like ass, shakes, achy, memory loss, appetite loss and trouble thinking or forming thought. Overall NOT A GOOD WEEK. I want to do better! I WILL do better next week. Tune in Sunday for my next update. Happy Healing Everybody!
I think the good news here is that you are recognizing and admitting that you have an issue. When you are young it seems socially acceptable to drink and party and nobody really can tell when this becomes excessive and its a problem. I hope you find the resources you need to get better and so you can feel better about yourself.
ReplyDeleteJohnnie Smith @ Ranch Creek Recovery